Heads up, this post is very textheavy, deep and occasionally dark, but there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. You’ve been warned 🙂
It wouldn’t be fair of me to have a blog mostly dedicated to my healing journey without actually telling the story of why I am on that journey to begin with. It definitely would help you relate to your readers Kaycee. I knew it from the beginning… It has just taken a few mental pep talks to muster up the berries and finally write it, and post it.
That’s not to say that coming up with the words to write it was hard, It’s my life, I know what happened so it didn’t take a lot of creativity; But, rather, reliving the times in my life that felt the darkest. Going back to how I felt when I was going through these things, that is hard.
My story is very similar to a lot of others I have read. A victim of bullying in school, Battling depression at a young age and developing an eating disorder, living with it unhappily for a long period of time, and finally doing something about it.
My addiction to food started when I was younger than I can even remember because throughout my life I’ve unconsciously stopped remembering my childhood, I guess mainly because I didn’t really want to.
Since my very first day of school, I’m talking Junior Kindergarten here, I was the outcast in the classroom. *you know how every school has that one person that usually eats lunch alone in the bathroom? That was me* Food was pretty much my only “friend”, I guess you could say it was my drug.
Every year as the teasing and bullying got worse, so did my love affair with food. I would skip breakfast in the morning and NEVER bring a lunch to school; that would only ignite the fire and give more reason for people to make fun of my weight. “oooh look the fat girl is eating again hahahaha”. By the time I got home at 3:30 I would gorge, then eat supper, and gorge again. I’m pretty sure I didn’t go 2 days during these years without eating a whole bag of chips.
I would be afraid to raise my hand in class in fear of being told my question/answer was stupid, at lunch I was told to stop talking or stop looking at everyone else. As if my looking at them would give them cooties. During recess I sat by myself at the edge of the yard leaning against the chain link fence, on one particular day another student walking in decided it would be fun to give me a good swift kick in the head.
Grade school was rough.
I cried myself to sleep nearly every night wondering why my life had to be this way, why did I have to be fat and why did everyone have to pick on me? At this age I had no idea what the connection was between food and my body, all I knew was that I wanted junk food all. the. time. so I ate it all. the. time.
Even though I was overweight, topping out at around 180 lbs (I think?), I was never lazy. I was in figure skating for 4 years but quit because I was being teased about how the outfits looked on me. I joined a basketball team but nobody would ever pass me the ball. I even tried out for shot put and track & field a few times, but to no surprise, I never made the teams.
When high school started I decided to join a kick boxing class, and I think it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I fell in love with it, and the fact that it was helping me shed some pounds was just a bonus.
Me, at my very first Kick boxing competition, and the bruises I came home with. *I don’t have any earlier pictures of myself from when I was at my heaviest, but this is when I was starting to see some physical changes.
I walked to my kick boxing class 3 times a week, every week, I walked to school(a half an hour there, and back) and I walked to work every single day. I started to see differences in myself, not only physically, but I was a lot happier than I had ever been. I still didn’t fully understand the connection between my health and food, but I did know that I needed to be a little bit more careful about how many chips I ate or how much pasta I put on my plate.
Other people even started to see the changes in me. I remember walking to school and the crossing guard that I said hello to every morning (He called me smiley. Even though things were tough, I could always put on a smile) said I’d been losing some weight!
I started learning more and more about nutrition and healthy eating and I realized that what I was doing by skipping breakfast and lunch was setting myself up for miserable failure. I started eating 3 square meals a day, but usually still ended up gorging after supper.
This is me in grade 12, weighing in at about 130 pounds.
Ever since then I have had a love for exercise and physical activity that hasn’t wavered. By the time I got to college I was comfortable with myself, since I was the smallest I’d ever been, but I still had the nagging self doubt and lack of self confidence, and unfortunately, still in a raging love affair with food.
While in college, living the college dream pulling all nighters, working, studying, working, working, studying, partying, I inevitably gained some of it back.
I’m going to end it here for now, I think this post has turned into more of a novel than I had anticipated already. I will have part 2 up within the next few days 🙂
What’s your story?
Hugs Kisses and Cookies
ps. After I got into the car the day I started writing this, Michael Franti’s song I’m Alive had just started playing. coincidence? I don’t know…. Totally awesome? Yup.